What could a workshop entitled "Conflict in the Home" possibly have to offer for me, the perfect mom living in the perfect home with one teen, two tweens, and an adolescent dog?
Conflict? In MY home? No-o-o-o...
Right.
So Rick and I went to this workshop at our church facilitated by Harv Powers (really, if you didn't just click that link, take a second...go meet Harv). Here are some of our takeaways from the night:
- We were reminded of what we can teach our children through conflict -- how to give and receive grace. We can see and experience God's love and mercy in each other....(or not). And we're always teaching (Deuteronomy 6:7).
- Conflict is normal, not wrong. (That's a relief because we have plenty of it around here!)
- Conflict is a process, not an event. I need to pay more attention to the cycle as a whole, thinking of it like a dance where my steps impact the steps my partner takes and vice versa. (I'm not a very good dancer...hopefully the metaphor only goes so far.) Each child (and adult) in our house will approach conflict differently, and we all need to learn to dance with our partners.
- When our approach to conflict isn't working, we tend to do more of the same thing (note to self: that is also the definition of insanity). Here's how I do this. When talking about an issue gets me nowhere, I talk more...or louder...but usually both. If threatening consequences doesn't get the reaction I want, I up the ante and threaten bigger consequences. Instead I should be asking myself this, "What about the cycle takes us to the wrong place, and how do I change what I'm doing to change the cycle?" This is my primary area of struggle.
- We talk about respect a lot in our house. At least we thought we did. But what Rick and I realized is that we are constantly pointing out what disrespect looks like...without clearly defining for our kids what we mean by respect. Here is a definition Harv gave...everyone has the right: 1) to be listened to 2) to be taken seriously 3) to be spoken to kindly and politely. We want to do a better job of positively reinforcing respect (especially between siblings) when we see it.
- We need to shift our approach to conflict to match our kids' developmental needs and abilities. Realistically, with tweens and teens, we need to be less about compliance for its own sake and more willing to engage in discussion and disagreement to help our kids develop the critical thinking skills that will help them grow into successful adults. There will still be some non-negotiables, but we see the value in wrestling with our kids to find middle ground most of the time.
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Linking up with Anne at the Antbed
What great points those are!! I hadn't really thought about conflict as being a process, but that is so true. I grew up in a home where, when conflict arose, it was worked through and then it was over. My precious husband, whose gift is Mercy, hates conflict and tries to avoid it. We have learned, over the years, to meet in the middle. He has been SO patient with me!!! :) Thanks for sharing all of this wisdom. And thanks for linking up!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the highlights...I love the part about pointing out disrespect instead of defining respect. Will definitely start defining around here!
ReplyDeleteI know that I read this last month – I could've sworn I commented – and have been by and noticed nothing new – figuring it was a Christmas break – but also figuring that mine was one of the comments – I remember reading about that class – and especially doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. I got important things from this post. I'll be back – God bless you Kim.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome. When the first part showed up in my reader, I had to laugh at the perfect home...the facebook life =) Happy New Year! Great post!
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